‘LOVE’ AFTER LOVE: The ordeal of a broken heart.

Rush not into a new relationship. First focus on self. Know thyself. Study your strengths and weaknesses. Gauge your relationship aptittude. Steer clear of people with emotional backlog. Give them time to cleanse and purge their heart and ready their mind for a new relationship.
Rushing to date such may stunt their healing, resulting in a warped flow of emotions towards you. Steer clear of men who appear composed but seem to be still figuring self out. Especially on what they really want when it comes to love and dating.
This is because once they finally figure self out and you are not top of their ‘finally found’ list, they will walk out on you. This is because they will subconsciously cluster you in their category of ‘baggage’…fit to be left in their past so as to open a new chapter of love in their life. This is especially so if you know much about their previous struggles and battle to find self. They shall leave you in their past so as to bring their life into perspective.
When told something incriminating about your new partner, rush not to them seeking affirmation or confirmation on the matter. This is because new partners rarely expose the dirt about their past, especially if they are genuinely smitten by you. They always put their best foot forward. The reason being they fear losing you hence they will not risk exposing or revealing their past shortcomings or flaws.
As the cliché goes ‘ask no questions and you will be told no lies’, adopt the same concerning incriminating intelligence on their past. Especially if the relationship is still in its early stages, also known as ‘the morning of love’. This phase is full of lies and mere public relations from either party. Dirty linen are rarely washed in public during this stage.
If you cannot contain self and do find self succumbing to curiosity as is often the case with human nature, expect to be lied to or expect a denial.
The partner will deny the claims and may even poke holes into the claim, even going as far as to discredit the source.
The surprising thing though is you may find self accepting their half truths and filtered answer as the gospel truth and the sum of the matter. This is normal in the morning of love. Psychologists know this truth. They claim that when we are newly in love we tend to believe everything our partner tells us, whether true or false. This is because we view them as the ideal future longterm partner hence cannot bring self to taint them in any way. They are infallible to us, that’s why we chose them in the first place!
On that note, if you cannot bring self to accept their inadequate responses and unsatisfactory answers as most will, especially those who have borne the brunt of betrayal in a past relationship hence are now extra cautious with the new partner, try your best to restrain your curiosity. Do not let your past mess your present. If you cannot and you get overwhelmed to get to the bottom of matters, then go back to the source of your intel to crosscheck the facts gathered against the feedback received so far to affirm or verify your findings. Finally make a verdict with your heart…do not overlook or ignore your gut feeling.
On the other hand if your source confirms that you are right, bring up the matter to your partner as though you are the one who found it out, then seek to tackle it amicably. Do not try to use it as a vantage point for a breakup. There could be a logical explanation to the matter, even if it may not seem to be that logical to you at the moment.
It is much easier to tackle an issue with a current partner than moving on seeking a new partner with less or no baggage; you may end up with someone who has mastered the art of lies and deception; one hiding or masking bigger, or even the same issue.
Your current may have been working on the matter, or mustering the courage to confess it to you at the right opportunity. They may even have come close to overcoming it before you rushed to pull the plug on the relationship. You may end up forfeiting your ‘would-be-reformed’ partner to someone else or even cause them to despair of change all the same since you inadvertently showed them there’s no point of changing. They may conclude to self: why change when you are still being judged according to your past?
Worse case scenario, you may give someone else a ‘monster-underneath-the-good-facade’ partner. This may occur if the dumped partner develops bitterness and resentment at not being given a chance to prove they have changed or, an opportunity to work on self. Eventually making them learn to conceal their weaknesses and shortcomings since exposing self and owning up caused them to lose the one they loved(you). As for what may befall you once you dump the ‘was-willing-to-change’ partner who was discreetly working on their shortcomings for your sake, you may have let go of the proverbial ‘devil-you-know’ and find self later relating their devilish character to your new found ‘angel’, only for the angel to turnout a worse option!
Moving on to a new relationship is not easy. A past relationship may lower your esteem and warp your partner selection capability, causing you to settle for less than you actually deserve. Especially if you are in a rush to get a partner simply to overcome your ‘single’ status.
This low esteem mentality may cause you to conclude that there’s no one good out there for you, or that no one can ever replace your past partner, or that any future partner you may fall for will come short of your expectations based on your past relationship experiences and ordeals. Hence you may end up settling for anyone who shows an interest in you, not because you truely love them for who they are, rather simply because you are tired of searching for your preferred candidate.
Realise that past experiences have a stronger influence when it comes to decision making than current convictions or logical reasoning. Hence you may find it hard to trust a genuine partner, even if they have not given you reason to mistrust them. Lowering the bar for them may also cause them to not manifest their greatness or unleash their full potential in the relationship.
The result being they may not treat you as special as they should, or approach the relationship with the seriousness required of a longterm partner since you are too emotionally fatiqued to keep them in check.
The negative consequence of this is that you are the one most likely to end up dissatisfied with the relationship later on. Realise that whatever you tolerate in the onset of a relationship is what shall be the eventual trend or ‘blueprint’ of the relationship.
Hence if you say nothing concerning your partner’s mediocrity in the onset of the relationship simply because you are emotionally fatigued to dump them and continue searching for a good partner, or simply because you do not want to lose them and end up single once more, you shall suffer the resultant consequences. Regardless of how nice or perfect you are to them.
In short if you do not oppose mediocre treatment from your new partner, embracing them simply for the sake of settling in a relationship regardless of their obvious flaws in even basic etiquette demanded of a partner in a relationship, then you are setting self up for future misery. Never opt to lower the bar when seeking for a new partner for a relationship, even if simply for the sake of riding self of singlehood.
Do not even justify this move or discourage self that if you stick to high standards or have a high sense of self worth while seeking a new partner you may end up dying alone. No. This is a fallacy used by people who are unaware that they have been damaged by past relationships and now possess low self esteem and a low sense of self worth hence are willing to settle with any partner who simply shows an interest in them. They console self that at least they have someone whom they can call their own and are no longer single.
They fail to fathom a paramount truth: when starting off a new relationship whatever you do not curb or curtail in the genesis of the relationship, especially a vice, is what you shall eventually complain about when the relationship finally matures. That shall be the modus operandi of the relationship, its blueprint. In your desperation do not accept an unhealthy relationship…be patient: better must come!
Failure to observe this then the unhealthy union may do a number on your already shattered esteem. This may lead to a breakup which will also further dent you to a point that if you do try to date once more, potential partner’s may find you needy, clingy, insecure and skeptic in the relationship.
Worse still, incase you do break off the unhealthy relationship to seek a desirable one, in your zeal for perfection, the next time round, you may place new bar so high that you actually lack a qualified partner. Your potential next partner may still be working on self, or you may have developed an unhealthy mentality towards love, contracted from the past relationship.
Keep in mind that though your former partner may have scarred your heart with their flaws, you may also be guilty of scarring them, especially if they were genuinely working on self, and now they may appear unsuitable to a potential someone elsewhere. Especially those who know their worth. Hence just as your pool is now limited, so is theirs!


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